Letting Go Part 2: A New Chapter

First of all, I have decided that I have to name all the people that I talk about here. If I keep saying “that one friend” it is going to get confusing quickly. I will of course be inventing names, but they shall have names just the same. It will be easier for us all to keep track of what’s going on.

My previous post was about my friend Walter. Things were a little rocky between us for a while, then I had the very low day where I posted here and the next day… He totally chewed me out. I deserved it and every word he said to me was true. He did not put it so bluntly, but I was being selfish and trying to manipulate him to what suited me. He wasn’t going for it. It was actually quite refreshing to hear him talk to me like that. I rarely get any show of emotion out of him, and it is even more rarely anger. I mentioned that to him and we both laughed about it. We had a very long talk about the differences in our personalities and came to an understanding of sorts. I agree not to continually pester him if he agrees to give me a straight yes or no answer when I ask to see him. The normal protocol has been for him to sidestep my question or to ignore it completely. The only thing I hate more than a no answer is being ignored altogether. At least if I get a no, even if I don’t like it, I can deal with it and move on.

One thing I managed to get from Walter is that he hates having to tell me no all the time to hanging out. He’s never said anything like that to me before. He’s always seemed so indifferent as to whether I’m a part of his life or not. As to why he tells me no… I know why, but for your benefit I’ll elaborate.

While not the most introverted person I’ve ever met, Walter is probably the most introverted person I’ve ever known personally. When he has troubles, or down days, he wants to sit at home and think it over. Occasionally his friends can get him out to a bar to drown his sorrows, but I’m not at all the person that enjoys going to bars anyway. When I have troubles I run to him or some other friend to talk things over. I need people to be comforted (even as introverted as I can be). Walter also works 50 hrs and six days a week. It is a tiring schedule. I would hate having to work that schedule. And, oh yeah, he has a girlfriend.

As you can see, between all the aloneness he wants, the rest he needs, and the time with his girlfriend or family desires, I fall pretty low on the priority list. It is all understandable, but no less frustrating. A couple weeks ago I went to see him at the retail establishment where he works because I missed him so much. I got to spend a combined total of 10 minutes with him, but when I left I felt better. I hope it made his day a little better, too. It was good to see him smile.

Anyway, I still don’t hear from Walter as often as I would like, but I think we are aggravating each other a whole lot less. Moving forward is always the best way to go. Now that I’ve written all this down, I’m feeling sentimental. I think I’ll go remind my little boy how much I love him. Maybe next time I’ll share about my adventures in parenthood! Stay tuned.

Letting Go Part 1

I told you I was bad at writing on a regular basis. Here I am almost a year later. I’ve had so much floating through my head in all that time and never bothered to put words to it. Today was rough, though. For two years now I have been fighting a difficult battle with one of my friends. We met at work and he quickly moved on to another job, but we stayed in touch. I have to say, though, it has mostly been my efforts that have held the friendship together. He’s not one of those guys that has a lot to say unless I pepper him with questions. With me, at least, it is often an effort just to get together to visit with him even once a month (and we only live 20 minutes apart). I often get the impression, though, that if I didn’t make the effort, his life would be no different without me. He has other friends that he sees on a regular basis, talks to, does fun stuff with. And then there’s me. He won’t come over to my house; he doesn’t ever want to do anything I invite him out to. When we do get together, we sit around on his couch, chit chat, and watch old episode of How I Met Your Mother.

I know what you are saying to yourself, “He clearly doesn’t care that much about the relationship, just let it go.”

If only I could.

Part of my problem is that when I invest myself in a person, I am fully invested. I do nothing half-hearted, especially when it comes to people. Friends are one of the most precious parts of my life. I don’t have many, but the ones I have I hold fiercely to, and care deeply for. And when I have a problem, or I’m having a bad day, I take it to him and he is such a good listener. He comforts me and makes me smile. When I have good news, he celebrates with me. I am completely split. Half the time I am thinking, “He is such a good friend.” The other half it is, “Why do I even bother?”

He is stubborn, and feels sorry for himself way too often. He is neglectful, and sometimes hurtful in the way he treats me. But he is also generous, compassionate, loving, honest, and determined. And when he smiles, he lights up the whole room. He is like sunshine. It may be that, as much as anything else, that keeps me around. How am I supposed to expel a person like that from my life?

I have pages and pages to write on this subject, but right now I have to go. I will write again when I can. I have a hard time writing when others are around, so I may not get time till next week. Or next year. I’m hoping it will be sooner than that, though. I need help to work this all out. Stay tuned.