I told you I was bad at writing on a regular basis. Here I
am almost a year later. I’ve had so much floating through my head in all that
time and never bothered to put words to it. Today was rough, though. For two
years now I have been fighting a difficult battle with one of my friends. We
met at work and he quickly moved on to another job, but we stayed in touch. I
have to say, though, it has mostly been my efforts that have held the
friendship together. He’s not one of those guys that has a lot to say unless I
pepper him with questions. With me, at least, it is often an effort just to get
together to visit with him even once a month (and we only live 20 minutes
apart). I often get the impression, though, that if I didn’t make the effort,
his life would be no different without me. He has other friends that he sees on
a regular basis, talks to, does fun stuff with. And then there’s me. He won’t
come over to my house; he doesn’t ever want to do anything I invite him out to.
When we do get together, we sit around on his couch, chit chat, and watch old
episode of How I Met Your Mother.
I know what you are saying to yourself, “He clearly doesn’t
care that much about the relationship, just let it go.”
If only I could.
Part of my problem is that when I invest myself in a person,
I am fully invested. I do nothing half-hearted, especially when it comes to
people. Friends are one of the most precious parts of my life. I don’t have
many, but the ones I have I hold fiercely to, and care deeply for. And when I
have a problem, or I’m having a bad day, I take it to him and he is such a good
listener. He comforts me and makes me smile. When I have good news, he
celebrates with me. I am completely split. Half the time I am thinking, “He is
such a good friend.” The other half it is, “Why do I even bother?”
He is stubborn, and feels sorry for himself way too often.
He is neglectful, and sometimes hurtful in the way he treats me. But he is also
generous, compassionate, loving, honest, and determined. And when he smiles, he
lights up the whole room. He is like sunshine. It may be that, as much as
anything else, that keeps me around. How am I supposed to expel a person like
that from my life?
I have pages and pages to write on this subject, but right
now I have to go. I will write again when I can. I have a hard time writing
when others are around, so I may not get time till next week. Or next year. I’m
hoping it will be sooner than that, though. I need help to work this all out.
Stay tuned.
